Saturday, October 22, 2011


Today is my school's Homecoming Game. I've never really been the biggest football person. I went to zero games in high school. To be fair, my highs school didn't have the greatest school spirit. The Homecoming dance my senior year was canceled due to lack of interest. This is why my dad finds it hilarious that I go to Northwestern, a big ten school. He also finds it funny that I actually show school spirit. However, despite my new found school spirit I still have yet to go to a football game. Today, that changes. I am going to the Homecoming Game today. In honor of this, I am going to explain football as I know it. Comments in italics are my friend Kate who knows football like some one who actually watches it. Because she does. Comments in bold are my response.

Teams want to get touchdowns. Touchdowns are worth 6 points (impressive, first fact is right Yay!), but they can get an extra point after if they kick the ball through the goal post things (Really Kara? Things???? You actually got the name right, so admit your awesomeness. I am awesome. Also, they can technically get two extra points if they make a two point conversion, but I don't want to confuse you). Touch downs are scored by getting the ball all the way down the field into an area that's painted a different color ( you really not know what it's called?I really didn't. Shut up.). Someone has to be holding the ball when it gets there though, they can't just have it land there (Correct theoretically, although explained like an imbecile. Hey! It was correct, that's what's important.). Teams can also score points by getting a field goal. This is worth 3 points. I think field goals have something to do with kicking. There's also some way to get 2 points but I'm not sure what it is (Are you referring to a touchback?Quite possibly. Let's just go with yes. You of course have no idea what a touchback is, but it occurs so infrequently that I won't confuse you by explaining' don't really need to know what it is.  I'm just impressed you remembered enough about what I told you to know you can get two points.  Good job!  "A" for effort.....not).

Games are divided into four 15 minute quarters, yet the games themselves take about 4 hours to play because the universe has a weird sense of humor (That's why my friend likes rugby: football without the stoppage. Also, less safety equipment for more violent manly fun. She's a girl, btw). Teams get possession of the ball for 4 downs and they want to move 10 yards forward during that time (Yay!). Depending of something, the number of yards can go down or up, but it's usually 10 (Come on.  Penalties are something you should understand.  If you do something bad, you have to go backwards.  If the defense does something bad, you get rewarded and go forward.  Simple enough.  Also, I mean, you always have to make 10 yards from where you start with the ball on the first down, so I will say that this is technically an incorrect statement). Sometimes teams can steal possession (Fumbles and do you not know the names?  Do  you even know what a fumble or an interception is???? Yes. Don't answer that.....Too late. A fumble is when they drop the ball. An interception is when you catch the other team's pass).

The main guy is the quarterback. He calls the plays and lead the huddles (And throws the ball....and has an earpiece in his helmet so the coach can call the plays....Having an earpiece in seems dangerous. What if he gets hit. Couldn't it rupture something?). Football huddles were invented by a schools for the deaf so the other team wouldn't see them signing fyi (????? It's true I swear!). There are also other roles, like running back and left tackle but I don't know what they do (Haha, don't worry, most people don't know what they do.  I mean those are more generic, so assume tackles knock people over, and running backs run with the ball....but knowing what position does what is superfluous knowledge. So I'm not dumb for not knowing it then.). Some people get tackled sometimes and can get really badly hurt. This is bad (The end.....).

I swear, I'm smart about other things. Kate didn't want to bore you guys by mentioning all the rules to football that I forgot, which are many, I assure you.  So just bear in mind that this is still a narrow version of football as I know it.  Also, take note that Kate wrote the last two sentences....and this one too.....

Update: We lost. But I had fun anyway.

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